Lately I've had a front row seat to some things that I wish I could unsee. My mother's Alzheimer's diagnosis and the last year and a half of watching her slow and steady decline into a world of unknowns has taken a toll.
I tend to hold every emotion inside. Always have. I've learned -these past fifteen months or so- that this is bad for my health. Stress levels are impacting how I feel. Palpitations, and a diagnosis of "harmless" PACs, have left me trying to manage this stress. It's gotten easier but, I'll admit, I still have things shoved down inside.
And then along came CDH. A diagnosis I'd not heard of before it was given to grandson #3. "A hole in his diaphragm," is the easiest way to describe it. Organs move up into the chest in utero. Testing. More testing. Deciding whether to operate before or after birth.
He arrived on April 19th. World CDH Awareness day. How apropos. Little guy was immediately taken for observation and testing and stabilization. Seeing pictures of a days-old infant attached to tubes and wires and machines is not the normal welcome into this world.
My front row seat isn't as enjoyable right now as it has been. Tears trickle out most days now. Daily updates make my heart pound.
But.
God is still good. It's during these moments that I have a choice. Do I run to Him and place my hopes and fears in His hands or do I let anger rule my thoughts? No, it's not fair. But what part of life is fair? It's in these times we need to remind ourselves that God is faithful, always has been and will continue to be. My crisis does not affect who He is. He is still God and is still in control.
We got to FaceTime the little one last night. Shortly afterwards he had some issues and a team of doctors tended to him. His surgery is scheduled for this Friday - they will open his chest and move all of the organs (including his heart) back to where they should be, and then close the hole in the diaphragm.
The reality of my front row seat shakes me these days. The seat is uncomfortable and it doesn't seem to fit me. I want to trade it in for a seat that doesn't leave splinters and bruises, but it's the only one around for now....
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