Beauty Beneath the Fog

An early morning glance at my phone revealed life altering news via text message and ruined my plans to sleep in. I tossed and turned for a bit, mind churning and trying to make sense of what I'd read. My thoughts settled on the mother of one less child and I realized she may never be able to sleep in again.

Two days later I received word that a friend suffered a pregnancy loss.

Two days after that a close friend lost her life to a fast moving cancer, the diagnosis which I was still reeling from. Four weeks from diagnosis to death is not easily comprehended. 

Time should stop. 

There are words unsaid. 

A mother wants to hold her child again. 

Plans for baby's room were just beginning.

I didn't get to say goodbye to my friend.

But this big world keeps on turning. It doesn't feel right for the sun to shine and the wind to blow. Plans came to a halt and now clean-up has to take place. Every moment is now a memory, forever locked in the mind.

I felt guilty when I laughed at a meme.

When I enjoyed a restaurant meal with my husband.

When I sang through an 80's playlist.

I admit, I began to get more than a little annoyed with people and their problems. I told my husband if one more person complained to me about someone in their life I was going to snap. 

Not knowing what else to do and recognizing that my prayer alone wasn't enough, I reached out to a group of praying women and asked for help. As the day turned into night and the prayers were lifted I physically felt the weight lift from my shoulders. 

My mind turned to Psalm 3:3, "But you, O Lord, are a shield for me, my glory and the one who lifts up my head."

There is great healing though prayer when you humble yourself and ask for it. As a woman in ministry there is a tendency to want to keep up appearances and not rock the boat. A leader is supposed to be strong enough to tackle whatever comes her way. But truth has always been a stronger motivator for me. I would rather you see my struggle and be able to relate to me than to be placed on an undeserved pedestal. Please don't put me up there, I'm afraid of heights.

Sometime early in my marriage I scribbled these quotes in the back of my Bible:

"We have but one short life to live yet we contaminate with with bickering and insults and angry words. If we fully comprehended the brevity of life our greatest desire would be to please God and serve one another. Instead the illusion of permanence leads us to scrap and claw for power and demand the best for ourselves.

Thank you, God, for what we have, which we know we cannot keep."

- Dr. James Dobson

"For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away." James 4:14

We aren't guaranteed a next breath. All we have is this moment. What we do with the moments we have can change the world. How do you want to be remembered?

Kim Boyce sang this song on her debut album in 1986

I've always been captivated by the lyrics

How Will They Remember

Lord, my friend has gone to be with You
I'm not asking why or questioning what You do
But I'm realizing that my days are numbered too
Will my life have been all that I wanted it to

Will my friends look back on precious memories
And if I sing to the world
Will they know You were love in me
And the praise I gave goes on eternally
How will they remember me

How will they remember
I hope when they remember
They see You

I'm young, but in my heart, I must be sure
Oh, so sure, all my days cannot just slip away
It already seems life will be too short
Wasn't I a child just yesterday

Time just slips away
Come back, yesterday

Lord, I'm not afraid to be with You
But I feel there's so much left for me to do
I just have to know what I made You proud too
Will they know I love You

How will they remember
I hope when they remember
They see You

Oh, how will they remember
I hope when they remember
They see You

I want the world to see Jesus with me
Time just slips away
Please, say you saw Him in me