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disillusioned

"You look so much like a girl in a movie I just watched," he said to me. He repeated it often enough during the week that I was curious as to what movie he was talking about. "Mystic Pizza," he replied when I asked him. "You look like Annabeth Gish."

At nineteen I hadn't heard of Annabeth Gish nor had I heard of Mystic Pizza. Several years later I saw it in a video rental store and read about it. I didn't rent it because it was R-rated and I knew I didn't need to see it. I did see it edited for television some time later.

And was appalled.

This man, this pastor, thought I looked like this actress. Fine.
In a movie with a questionable rating. Meh.
Playing the part of a girl who has an affair with a married man. Not fine.

This is the first time I remember being disillusioned. I wondered why this was an acceptable form of entertainment for this married man, this pastor, this leader. And why he felt the need to tell me. Repeatedly. It left me with that icky feeling in my stomach. Honestly, I've tried to avoid him since.

I've been disillusioned many times since.

I asked a friend where a certain business was and they refused to tell me, "You're not going there."
"I don't want to go there, I just want to know where it is," I had no intention of visiting. But why was it okay for them to go there and  not me?

I asked another friend about the Cards Against Humanity game she'd been playing. "You don't want to play that," she said.

Time and again I wondered why it was okay for them but they thought it was not okay for me.

We all profess to believe the same. We all serve the same God.

I've witnessed many things since and have had my share of disappointment in people. People who preach, entertain, teach, from a Biblical perspective. Perhaps I observe too much about people. Perhaps I have higher expectations of those who claim God owns their hearts.

I've seen a lot.

But one thing that's always remained the same is God. He has never let me down. He has never caused me disappointment. He has never created a sense of disillusion in me.

When we look at people, even His people, we will be disappointed because we all mess up. None of us get it right, even on our best days. But God is the author of perfection. He will not let you down. He is the one we need to keep our focus on. He is the one we need to listen to. He sets the standard.

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